It’s been a year since I posted my last blog post, and it’s not because I haven’t been writing. It’s my OCD getting in the way. I have this idea of what I want this blog to look like and what I want it to offer, and taking the time to build it is like scratching nails on a chalkboard for me. I can’t get it perfect enough. I decided today that I’m going to stop this cycle and simply start posting regularly. It won’t be perfect and I have to accept that. All I’m certain of is I can’t help anyone through my blog if I’m not blogging.
If you read my blog post From Tessera to Mosaic: Pieces of Me, then you will have an understanding of the many layers of life my kids and I deal with. My goal is to post a journal-like post every weekend that will give a small window into our lives and how all these pieces fit together and/or clash. During the week I want to write posts about these topics that are more informational and less personal. I want to write blog posts that are worth engaging with and sharing.
I had a heart attack in November 2023. There were two main reasons it happened, and if one reason didn’t exist, my chances of having a heart attack would go down. Before November, I had no blood pressure or cholesterol issues, but my diabetes was out of control. My numbers were up in the 300s daily. My waking sugars were up in the 200s. My doctor was trying to get me different meds, but my insurance company kept denying her requests. This went on for 3 months, and then I had a heart attack. My insurance approved me for a continuing glucose monitor and a Victoza pen before I was released from the hospital. The cardiologist who took care of me in the hospital said I had a genetic condition and should have been seeing a cardiologist since my 20s. He said he looked at my blood tests going back 3 years and saw the risk factors. The good news is I don’t have to follow a heart healthy diet. I didn’t eat my way into a heart attack. I have a stent in my heart now, and I have to take heart meds. see a cardiologist, and watch my glucose numbers like a hawk.
Connie turned 18. It feels so odd that my first child is now a legal adult. She’s still in high school and still homeschooling with me. She also had an interview with the Division of Vocational Rehabilitation aka DVR this week to see what kind of jobs she might be able to do. She’s going to continue high school and work part time with a job coach.
Right now, I’m 100% single. I’ve been single for two years. Sometimes I miss having a special someone, but I’ve learned that I’m very particular and often it’s easier for me to just stay single than try to deal with the frustration of making a relationship work as an aroace person. I’m not completely closed off to the idea of dating, and I have a couple dating profiles out there, but as an aroace who is demi and sappio, I can’t get a feel from texting someone if I’m going to like them or not, and just meeting up with random strangers so I can get a sense of them in person isn’t the smartest move. This is probably hard for a lot of people to understand, but I’m happy single. I don’t miss having a sex life. I get my emotional bonding and emotional needs met by my friends. The only thing I really miss is the kissing, cuddling, and hand holding.
I have my son’s permission to share this. In March, my son attempted suicide. I’m not going to get into reasons and his treatment, but I will say he’s doing a lot better now and he’s with a good therapist that is helping him. That night itself was terrifying. Ashton slit his wrist, then texted 911 thinking it was a helpline to chat and didn’t realize the police would come. They kicked in our door and took him to the hospital via an ambulance. Ashton woke me up maybe one minute before my door was kicked in, and all he was saying to me was he’s sorry. My CPTSD was triggered big time. I was scared for Ashton and scared to leave Connie and my pets and my home unattended with no door.
As I shared in my post From Tessera to Mosaic: Pieces of Me, the kids and I have been estranged from both my siblings and my father. A couple of weeks ago, I learned my father has been in a post acute rehabilitation center since February. My brother lives 3 1/2 hours away, so I made contact with him so he could video chat with our father when I go to visit him. My brother and I also took time to discuss our relationship and where things have gone wrong, and I think we had a healthy, sincere, and loving conversation. I think and hope there’s room for a friendship to regrow there. Time will tell.
I don’t know how much to say about my father right now. One of my “blogging rules” is not to tell other people’s stories without their permission. It gets a little messy with family because a lot of times our stories intersect and affect each other and become part of each other’s story. For now, I’ll simply say I was not in touch with my father for 2 years, but I went to visit him in the rehab center to see if there was anything I could do to help him. So far, our visits have been friendly, but I’m worried he may be in cognitive decline. I’m going to make contact with the social worker at the facility and see what I can do.
I’ve also been estranged from my sister and two nephews for about 6 years now. For now, I’m not going to go into the initial reason we stopped talking or the reason my nephew reached out to me this week, but my older nephew contacted me on Facebook to see if I could help him with something, and he sent me a friend request. I love both of my nephews so much, and it feels good to know that my nephew knew he could reach out to his Aunt Kelly for help no matter what. I hope our relationship can heal.
Thanks for checking in with me this week. Please leave a comment here on my blog, and interact with me on Facebook and Instagram until my next blog post. You can also check out my poll and vote on what topics you’re most interested in having me blog about next.
